Free Panties

You share your apartment with everyone who has ever lived there before.  Checking the mail therefore becomes an exercise in getting to know previous residents.  I can tell you, for example, that the former inhabitants of my little slice of paradise rented furniture, had insurance with Geico, and donated to various environmental causes. 

I've also learned from the catalogs I occasionally receive, that someone ordered from, or otherwise made the mailing list for, Victoria's Secret. While the occasional mailing can be visually appealing I can also see that as a father of two, it's not something I should be hanging on to.  The other day, however, I got something more - a booklet with an offer for free panties.

This provided a dilemma of sorts.  My parents rarely threw away coupons and didn't usually turn down free offers.  I've been trained to take advantage of good deals. People in my culture will stand in line for hours for something don't even need.  I've heard people call in on the radio and ask what they won, because all they knew was that something was being given away. I am genetically predisposed to hold on to coupons.  In cleaning the top of my dresser the other day, I found a completed Marble Slab Club card from 2007 and a large part of me wants to see if there's a chance I can redeem it this weekend. 

This offer is incredibly problematic. First, I'm not sure that any of their styles are appropriate for my frame. Second, I don't have a significant other to whom I can hand over the card. Third, I just can't throw it away. And finally, I do occasionally entertain guests and it's not something I want sitting on my counter or coffee table. 

So I've decided that the best thing to do is give it to a friend, but I'm not sure if any of my approaches will convey the appropriate message.  None of the following phrases sufficiently distance me away from awkward. 

"Hey, you want some panties?"

"I got some panties in the mail and I thought you might like them."

"Not to sound creepy or nothin' but I've got some free chones for you."

"Would it be weird if I gave you free underwear?"

"I acquired these and thought you could use them."

"Hey," then wink, hand over the card, "just in case."

"I thought of you when I saw this."

"I'm not sure if you could use a new pair, but here you go."

"Um here, for you...or your mom...or your daughter, or whatever."

I think Victoria's Secret contrived the perfect social experiment. There's no way that a man can give free panties to a woman he's not in a relationship with, without it seeming awkward. And if you were in a relationship, how would you explain the free offer that would sound innocent and believable?  You'd be left thinking the best thing to do would be to pick them up yourself, which would lead to to ask her for a size (something you should never do) or looking through her drawer (again, something you should probably never do).  Not to mention that you will enter the shop and be that guy - the one guy at VS who has absolutely no idea what he's doing in that store and trying his hardest not to make any eye contact with sales associates or scantily-clad mannequins. 

This is a major crisis with no clear solution - the perfect discussion topic for us to taco bout, but all anyone wants to taco bout right now is the Spurs beating the Miami team in the NBA Finals. 

With very few options left, I've come to the safest conclusion I could think of. I'll likely just leave it in a colleague's mailbox at the school where I teach. I'm sure that's perfectly safe. 

"Hey, did you use that card I left in your box last week?"