We Taco Bout a New Mayor

We’ve all heard that Julián Castro is searching for new tacos in Washington DC and San Antonio will soon have to replace our beloved mayor.  The current rules say that someone from the current City Council will have to fill in until the next election, and that’s when the real race starts.  Current Councilpersons, and other city leaders, are already hinting about throwing hats into rings, but maybe it’s time to taco bout who else should be the next mayor of this great city.  Who has the 'taconacity' to get things done.

It’s not that we don’t appreciate those on who've already thrown their hat into the ring, it’s just that we like out of the taco thinking.  So here’s our not-all-that-serious list of possible mayors of San Antonio:

Tommy Lee Jones – The first question is whether or not he’s a resident.  Various reports say he has several houses in the area and at least one of them is in San Antonio.  The second is experience and that answer is that his experience far surpasses most others.  He has business, military, law enforcement (both terrestrial and extra-terrestrial), and legislative experience under his belt.  Sure, they’re all in movies, but he was great at them.  He also introduced his old roommate, Al Gore, at the 2000 Democratic National Convention so has some political experience.  And hey, it worked for Clint Eastwood. 

Coach Pop – The man who runs the most efficient basketball team in the world can definitely run a city with that same effectiveness.  Are you tired of politicians going on and on about accomplishments, projects, goals, and everything else under the sun?  Well, all that comes to a stop with the Popovich administration.   Press conferences will now last ninety seconds and City Council meetings will be the quickest in the state as misinformed citizens with stupid questions will get “The Look” from Pop, bow their heads in shame, and quietly walk out of the chamber.

George Strait – He’s retiring from touring, so he needs something to do.  Why not be mayor and revitalize the music scene?  When things go bad, all George Strait has to do is smile and we’ll know everything will get better.  He’s the type of guy every man wants to have a beer with and every woman wants to – well, maybe just wants.  But nevertheless, think of how much more business we could attract by having people tour SA with George Strait as their host.

Flaco Jimenez – Born and raised in San Antonio, Flaco has been our cultural ambassador since he first started touring with his band.  If you think about it, Flaco’s style has its roots in Texas-Mexican heritage with influence from other cultures, including the German, Polish, and Cajun.  He’s a one-man Folklife Festival.  Flaco has a song for every situation which our city could possibly encounter.

Carmen Tafolla – A strong, well-educated, articulate, artistic woman leading our city – why has she not been considered before?  Proposals enticing businesses and conventions to come to SA would be the most well-written ones.  Ever.  Not that she would be writing them, but those that did would know they have a high standard to present.  City Councilpersons would have to take turns reciting poetry to start each meeting and every suggestion during B-Session would have to be in verse.

Eva Longoria – She’s bold.  She’s strong.  She’s not afraid to speak her mind.  We know she can fundraise and organize (from the work she does for Eva’s Heroes) and we know she’s not afraid to be in front of an audience (from her work on every screen known to man), so I’m confident that she could hold her own.  With Eva as mayor, the council would be stylin’. 

David Robinson – The Admiral.  The nickname says it all.  He’d run our city efficiently, with faith, with class, and as an inspiration to everyone.  With Robinson as mayor, Charles Barkley wouldn’t dare criticize this city and all Mark Cuban could ever say would be, “Yes, sir,” or “I’m sorry, sir.  It won’t happen again.”

Ted Cruz – No one knows sacrifice like San Antonians.  We endure heat, humidity and the occasional deluge.  Electing Ted Cruz would be the ultimate sacrifice for our nation as it would keep him out of the senate and the presidency for sure.  In the words of John F. Kennedy, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”  This would definitely be doing something for our country.  The caveat is that someone will have to volunteer to claim him as a resident - rent him an apartment, say he's on your couch, whatever. It'll be only for a little while, though, as he is bound to upset enough people to be recalled within six months of being sworn in. 

Davy Crockett - Sure, he's technically dead, but his spirit still lives within the walls of the Alamo. He will lead by fear and spectral intimidation. His mere presence will increase tourism to the city by 1000%. If this really is the Decade of Downtown, then who else but the ultimate downtown resident. On Election Day, Remember the Alamo!

Atenogenes Villarreal – The name commands respect.  No other city will want to mess with us.  The mere mention of Atenogenes  will strike fear in the hearts of other city’s inhabitants whose mayors will have wimpy names like “Mike” or “Lee.”  Experience? A high-school Student Council Vice-President and the Historian for his fraternity, he has got the chops. That, and he worked for a national presidential campaign.  Atenogenes takes care of business. 

Eddie Vega – He’s an educator, a poet, a writer, a survivor.  His experience as Speaker of the House (two terms) in the Student Government Association at St. Mary’s totally qualifies him as mayor of San Antonio.  He knows how to work within a budget (trained by necessity) and knows how to celebrate accomplishment (trained by fraternity).  With Vega as mayor you’ll have a taco on every plate and a car in every garage chancla on every foot. 

There you have it.  Any of those choices would do right by our city.  Who did we leave out?  Write your own candidate in the comments and let's taco bout it.