I finally had the courage to go to H-E-B. I figured that Sunday morning would be fine because lots of people go to church. Then I remembered they closed the churches.
- It wasn’t that crazy, but “that crazy” is a relative term. After all, this is San Antonio.
- I found tomatoes. Two days ago my daughter came home with pictures of an empty tomato section and a pack of some boujee Camparis. But today, I managed to get some Roma tomatoes that quite frankly, are the smallest Roma tomatoes I’ve ever bought. It’s like they got called up from the freshmen team or something.
- Ground beef? What is everyone making with ground beef? I ended having to get some super lean ground sirloin. In case y’all don’t know, flavor is in fat. I’d be more upset about having to get this lean sh—, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was mis-priced at the ground chuck price. 😃
3.5. The social distancing doesn’t happen very often. I feel like it might be the occasion for steak. Buy steak y’all! Leave the ground beef for people who legitimately want to have some chalupas.
- The pseudo-apocalypse is here and everybody’s making sandwiches? All the lunch meat was gone. Not that I wanted lunch meat, but if I did I would’ve been really pushed off.
- Apparently it’s also a time for green onion dip, too. I actually did want green onion dip - I use it to top my chalupas.
- Canned beans. Apparently this is what people go for. It’s no wonder that when you see the cans in food drives that you find green beans, corn, and spinach but never beans. People hoard their beans!
- The security guard showed up and checked in with the manager. I witnessed it all while deciding between refried charro beans and retried cheese-flavored beans. (I’d already gotten shredded cheese, so I went with the charro beans.) Do you remember Tackleberry from Police Academy. Picture this guy as Mexican Tackleberry, complete with unnecessary tactical gear (it’s a freakin’ H-E-B, not a military outpost) and a patch that says, “K-9 Unit.” I’ve seen the German shepherd mix with a black harness/canine tactical vest he sometimes patrols the store with. Personally I think he should just admit that the pooch is his emotional support animal and be over it. “Just checking in sir. I’ve patrolled the perimeter and everything seems ok at the moment.” I’m telling you, Tackleburro is the most extra security guard I’ve ever encountered.
- All the bougie bread was gone - wheat, artisanal, 38-grain, etc. I actually just need hamburger buns, so I was fine. Also, there were plenty of tostadas. I like the red ones. They taste the same as the white ones, but add so much more to the table palette.
- It was time to go. I had less than fifteen items and felt very out of place. There were shopping carts full of supplies, like I you see when hurricanes are coming. Only this isn’t a big storm, it’s a virus. Truthfully, we don’t really know how to prepare for this.
- The cool thing about so many people with big-ass cartfulls is that the express lane is free and clear. I got through right away, but as I was leaving the cashier informed a lady behind me, “this is a 15-only lane ma’am.” “Yes, but I’m dividing it into three separate orders.” I smiled at her, “loopholes, huh.” She smiled back, but in that I’m really annoyed with people right now, sort of way. The lady reminded me of those times when we were limited to a number of items as a kid and my mom would give money to my sister and me and split into different aisles. Fun times.
- It wasn’t that bad. People are funny. H-E-B seems to have better planning than the federal government and I’m probably still ill-prepared for whatever’s next, but at least I’ll get by with a few chalupas and whatever is on Netflix.
